I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
