My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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