I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
