I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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