update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
