I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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