you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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