New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can't put those talents on a resume
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
