your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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