I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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