So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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