How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
