Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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