when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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