i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
