My underwear smells like fireworks.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
