Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
