We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
