I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
