I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
