So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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