these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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