God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
