Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
