I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
