Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
