He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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