Where did you get a picture of my penis
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
