I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
