I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
