Nicole vs. Life
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
