The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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