all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
