i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
