you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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