i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
someone owes me an orgasm
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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