This is not my ceiling
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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