Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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