Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
