he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
