It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
