Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
