Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
