I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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