the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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