if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
