I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
