I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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