Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
