the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
