No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
