Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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