we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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