Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
