We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
