My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
